It is what it is

I'm in a city finally, and it's something I've wanted to do for quite awhile. And although it's not the city I really want to be in, it's a change for the greater right? I thought so - at first...I really felt that it was a step forward in my life, in becoming something bigger than just a student.

But ever since I've moved here I've felt secluded and alone. It's funny that in a city with more than 300,000 people, I sometimes feel like I'm the only one.

I've left everything that's familiar behind. Streets I know, the familiarity of everything around me, co-workers, friends. I may have some friends here, but they're busy with their own lives and friends they have. All mine are back in that little town I used to call home for more than 20 years.

As much as I love being in a city that's supposedly more exciting than a small town, I miss being able to hang out with friends on a whim. Or go to my workplace and hang out (yes, hang out) and know everybody and be able to talk to any one of them comfortably.

Nowadays I feel like an outcast because nobody wants to do anything with me anymore. I know I'm limited when it comes to travel because I decided to spend all my savings living freely without restraints in a city that I still miss and think about every day. I realize I'm 24 and still living at home. I realize I don't have a car. I get it...and it sucks. More than anyone will ever realize.

I hate that I've become that girl who is literally at home every weeknight and weekend.

I hate that a lot of the time I only have my ipod or a book to keep my company.

I hate the fact that I think of myself as a secondary friend...Someone they think about every once and awhile.

And finally, I hate myself for thinking this way. I don't even know what brought this on. All I do know is it's tearing into me right now and I really don't know what to do. I'm usually a happy person and the last day or so I just don't want to be.