I Screwed Up. Now I'm Alone.

It happens right?

Yeah well it seems to happen to me all the time. I can blabber out excuses and apologies but in the end, they're just excuses. No matter how legit and heartfelt they are, they're just excuses. Nothing counts. It's all up in the air.

So when I have a bad day, or something exciting happens, I have nobody to talk to. Not in a real sense anyway. I don't know how many times I almost texted her in the last few days before I realized that "oh, she isn't talking to me." It sucks and every time I get that thought and have that realization, it hurts every time. And it happened a lot the last couple of days.

I get that I shouldn't forget plans, in fact I know it's 100% wrong. I feel worse and worse about it because I know how important these plans we made were to her. But I forgot. Plain and simple. And what's even worse was that other plans of the same variation were made instead.

In the broad spectrum of things though, while it was my obligation and duty as a best friend to remember these said plans, is it not her obligation to say "oh hey, we still on for friday?" a week or so before they were supposed to happen? Is that not fair? I don't know all the rules to the "Best Friends Bible" but I've always assumed it'd be a two way street... Right?

How many times have I been bailed on, forgotten about (when making plans with others), or asked last minute? When my birthday came around and everybody had excuses - while legit - did I say anything? When promises were made to make up for it, were they kept? No. Did I say anything then? No. Did I even get a simple card to acknowledge that a birthday had passed? No. Even a simple, thoughtful note would have sufficed, but that didn't happen. But did I say a word? No.

I try to go out of my way to please everybody and I think that seems to be my issue. I speak before I  think. I have a horrible memory and I don't go out too often so I get way too excited when something comes up that I again, forget about previous plans.  I suck. I admit it. Who knows, maybe it'll go back to normal but as of right now I can't text who I want to most. I can't talk to others without feeling judged (which is exactly what is happening even if they say it isn't), and I feel like no matter what people are taking sides - which isn't exactly cool.

I don't really know where else or who else I should talk to about this so I guess OpinioNation will have to do. I doubt anybody will ever read but if you do, comment, advise, criticize. I want to know people's opinions. Even if it hurts.

Wise Woman, Wise Words

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

- Marilyn Monroe

Drama, drama, drama.

Do you ever feel like you're in the middle of something between friends and they're both blowing things out of proportion? But you were also told not to say something to the other person?

Yea... I'm in that position now.

It's frustrating and I'm not entirely sure what to do.

Ideal "Match"

Okay, so as lame as this is going to sound, recently I've found myself turning more and more towards the online dating world as an option to actually find somebody to connect with. I mean, I've been with a site for quite awhile now but I've never actually gotten to the point of meeting any of the "potential" guys in person because they've either crapped out or I've lost confidence and just stopped talking to them. I'm a rather shy, insecure gal (sad but true) when it comes to the opposite sex and I don't really know if it's a relationship that scares me or what they'll think when they see me in person (again, sad but true).

Anyways, while filling out the profile options for these sites (to remain nameless because I'm not out to promote) I alway find it hard to fill out the "About Me" and "What you're looking for" portions. I love to talk...and anybody who is close to me knows that I can talk about anything for long periods of time if the topic of interest is interesting to me. When it comes to writing about myself though, I get stuck. It's not that I can't write STUFF about myself, but how do I portray it so it's appealing to those who actually read it? Do they really want to know about my dorky side that pretty much makes up 75% of who I am? What can I say that will interest the other party but still keep true to myself? It's difficult enough as it is but adding this into the mixture does not help my situation at all.

Now as for the "What you're looking for" section...that's a whole other topic. I mean, sure there's the "dream" guy that I have pictured in my mind, but seriously...who can honestly live up to that full potential. I blame movies and perfect romances for putting those ideas into my head because I'm starting to believe there's nothing out there for me - based on what I've been "dreaming" about all my life. Being in my situation, I don't really have the right to be picky. I haven't been out there enough to cringe at certain habits, and to roll my eyes at others. I can't really say what I am really into or what aspects of their personality I think will be compatible with mine. *sighs*.

I honestly wish there was an easier process to this. A machine that can do all the perfect matching thing and just let it happen that way. That or I need a serious upgrade to my confidence and self-esteem because as of right now at this instance - I am barely above the water.

Blah.

It's always hard to say what I feel. 

Yes I'm an emotional person - I'm an Aquarius, it's in the stars - but I'm not always good at showing and expressing what I'm feeling inside. I tend to hole up and push it to the back of my mind. I guess in a sense I'm hoping that it will just disappear and I won't have to deal with it, but in the end it always creeps back up and this feeling hits - blah.


You know, the I'm-not-sad-or-angry-or-anything feeling? The feeling that just leaves you emotionally drained and just wanting to be left alone? That my friends, is the definition of 'blah'.

I seriously need to get a life...

I keep daydreaming about having a relationship. And if that isn't bad enough, it's with guys I know for a fact will never ever look my way. I feel like I'm a teenager again writing all over my binder "I <3 so-and-so". Seriously, it's insane! Also, I think it's making my expectations of guys a lot higher than it should be!

Anyways, I just thought I'd share that with my...oh look, NO followers...

Guess it's safe to say that it's been Jesse Labelle who has been invading my dreams and daydreams lately. There are one...okay, maybe TWO...other guys as well, but I'm sticking those close to home in case someone reads who they are...and I know people who have direct contact with them haha...so THAT cat's not being let out of the bag...

Peace.

That's right, I said it. Now *delete*

Deleted.